Top 10 Books for Those Grieving the Loss of a Spouse
Some are fiction while others are not, and some are new, while others are time-tested and decades old. These are the top ten books selected by widows that helped them the most while they struggled to cope with the loss of a partner.
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1. When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron
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From the editor:
How can we live our lives when everything seems to fall apart—when we are continually overcome by fear, anxiety, and pain? The answer, Pema Chödrön suggests, might be just the opposite of what you expect. Here, in her most beloved and acclaimed work, Pema shows that moving toward painful situations and becoming intimate with them can open up our hearts in ways we never before imagined. Drawing from traditional Buddhist wisdom, she offers life-changing tools for transforming suffering and negative patterns into habitual ease and boundless joy.
What people are saying
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron helped me embrace the pain as part of moving towards recovery. Some days were like tsunamis but after therapy for myself and with my husband, I’ve had some sunny days.
@Saffron_says
My personal favorite book about loss that is not specific to a particular type of loss is When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It does come from more of a Buddhist perspective, so if that’s something that resonates with you, I’d definitely recommend this title.
@CherieGustafsonLCPC
2. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
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From the editor:
A classic work on grief, A Grief Observed is C.S. Lewis’s honest reflection on the fundamental issues of life, death, and faith in the midst of loss. Written after his wife’s tragic death as a way of surviving the “mad midnight moments,” A Grief Observed an unflinchingly truthful account of how loss can lead even a stalwart believer to lose all sense of meaning in the universe, and the inspirational tale of how he can possibly regain his bearings.
What people are saying
C.S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed, which he wrote after the death of his wife, is one of the most poignantly beautiful yet heartbreaking descriptions of human sorrow and grief that I’ve ever encountered. Even though I’ve already read it I still get choked up when revisiting it.
@Run_0x1b
A book that’s really helped me is A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. It’s a book he wrote right after his wife passed away after only like 3 years of marriage. It’s a pretty heavy read, but it helps hearing someone else who went through that type of loss, talk about it and what they learned through it.
@Fine_Way1909
3. It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine
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From the editor:
When a painful loss or life-shattering event upends your world, here is the first thing to know: there is nothing wrong with grief. “Grief is simply love in its most wild and painful form,” says Megan Devine. “It is a natural and sane response to loss.”
So, why does our culture treat grief like a disease to be cured as quickly as possible?
In It’s OK That You’re Not OK, Megan Devine offers a profound new approach to both the experience of grief and the way we try to help others who have endured tragedy. Having experienced grief from both sides―as both a therapist and as a woman who witnessed the accidental drowning of her beloved partner―Megan writes with deep insight about the unspoken truths of loss, love, and healing. She debunks the culturally prescribed goal of returning to a normal, “happy” life, replacing it with a far healthier middle path, one that invites us to build a life alongside grief rather than seeking to overcome it.
What people are saying
Megan Devine has a book called It’s ok that you’re not ok. She has a section in the book about why words of comfort feel so bad. They come with good intentions but we do not see it that way. To us, it implies that this is a problem that they can fix with their words, to make us feel better even temporarily. They are saying one thing, and we’re hearing a second part of the sentence: “At least you had them for as long as you did” (so stop feeling so bad), or “Stay strong” (stop feeling so bad). When we hear these things, we are only hearing the second part. An attempt to stop us from hurting so bad. It invalidates our feelings.
@Hotdiggity169691
I can say that over the almost year that I’ve read seven books on grief. The only one that seemed to make any bit of a difference for me was one called It’s OK to not be OK by Megan Devine.
@missingtoad2021
4. The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
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From the editor:
Several days before Christmas 2003, John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion saw their only daughter, Quintana, fall ill with what seemed at first flu, then pneumonia, then complete septic shock. She was put into an induced coma and placed on life support. Days later—the night before New Year’s Eve—the Dunnes were just sitting down to dinner after visiting the hospital when John Gregory Dunne suffered a massive and fatal coronary. In a second, this close, symbiotic partnership of forty years was over. Four weeks later, their daughter pulled through. Two months after that, arriving at LAX, she collapsed and underwent six hours of brain surgery at UCLA Medical Center to relieve a massive hematoma.
This powerful book is Didion’ s attempt to make sense of the “weeks and then months that cut loose any fixed idea I ever had about death, about illness … about marriage and children and memory … about the shallowness of sanity, about life itself.
What people are saying
Six months after my husband’s death, a friend gave me Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking. She said it helped her work through the loss of her partner, but it has to be read at a certain point in time to be useful. Too soon after, and it’ll just aggravate the hurt and the loneliness. My friend’s a psychiatrist, so I took her word for it and read the book, and realized I (probably) wasn’t going mad after all.
@Kit-Kat-Kit-7272
The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion has one of the best recounts of grief I’ve ever read. It’s more of a nonfiction book about the author and her dealing with the death of her husband and the illness of her daughter. Amazing writing too.
@Casualyssa
5. Grief Is the Thing with Feathers: A Novel by Max Porter
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From the editor:
Here he is, husband and father, scruffy romantic, a shambolic scholar–a man adrift in the wake of his wife’s sudden, accidental death. And there are his two sons who like him struggle in their London apartment to face the unbearable sadness that has engulfed them. The father imagines a future of well-meaning visitors and emptiness, while the boys wander, savage and unsupervised.
In this moment of violent despair they are visited by Crow–antagonist, trickster, goad, protector, therapist, and babysitter. This self-described “sentimental bird,” at once wild and tender, who “finds humans dull except in grief,” threatens to stay with the wounded family until they no longer need him. As weeks turn to months and the pain of loss lessens with the balm of memories, Crow’s efforts are rewarded and the little unit of three begins to recover: Dad resumes his book about the poet Ted Hughes; the boys get on with it, grow up.
Part novella, part polyphonic fable, part essay on grief, Max Porter’s extraordinary debut combines compassion and bravura style to dazzling effect. Full of angular wit and profound truths, Grief Is the Thing with Feathers is a startlingly original and haunting debut by a significant new talent.
What people are saying
Absolute stand out was Grief is the Thing with Feathers which hit hard given some life circumstances. I’m not a crier typically, but had tears streaming down my face for most of it. What a stunner of a book.
@xtinies
Grief Is the Thing with Feathers by Max Porter is the perfect in-between book of prose and poetry. It’s not just a story it’s an experience and I can’t recommend it enough.
@redwyrak
6. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler
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From the editor:
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s On Death and Dying changed the way we talk about the end of life. Before her own death in 2004, she and David Kessler completed On Grief and Grieving, which looks at the way we experience the process of grief.
Just as On Death and Dying taught us the five stages of death—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—On Grief and Grieving applies these stages to the grieving process and weaves together theory, inspiration, and practical advice, including sections on sadness, hauntings, dreams, isolation, and healing. This is “a fitting finale and tribute to the acknowledged expert on end-of-life matters” (Good Housekeeping).
What people are saying
Please find yourself a copy of On Grief and Grieving by Kubler-Ross. It will help you understand what you’re going through in a way that’s not self-evident during the process. I wish I had discovered it so many years ago.
@obrazovanshchina
One book I read after my wife died was On Grief and Grieving, by David Kessler. In it, he explains that the “five stages” are often misunderstood and that it’s much more nuanced than many people believe.
@jamesbritt
7. The Hot Young Widows Club: Lessons on Survival from the Front Lines of Grief by Nora McInerny
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From the editor:
In the span of a few weeks, thirty-something Nora McInerny had a miscarriage, lost her father to cancer, and lost her husband due to a brain tumor. Her life fell apart.
What Nora discovered during this dark time is that, when you’re in these hard moments, it can feel impossible to feel like even a shadow of the person you once were. People will give you all sorts of advice of how to hold onto your sanity and sense of self. But how exactly? How do you find that person again? Welcome to The Hot Young Widows Club, Nora’s response to the toughest questions about life’s biggest struggles.
The Hot Young Widows Club isn’t just for people who have lost a spouse, but an essential tool for anyone who has gone through a major life struggle. Based on her own experiences and those of the listeners dedicated to her podcast, Terrible, Thanks for Asking, Nora offers wise, heartfelt, and often humorous advice to anyone navigating a painful period in their lives. Full of practical guidance, Nora also reminds us that it’s still okay to laugh, despite your deep grief. She explores how readers can educate the people around them on what to do, what to say, and how to best to lend their support. Ultimately, this book is a space for people to recognize that they aren’t alone, and to learn how to get through life’s hardest moments with grace and humor, and even hope.
What people are saying
I recommend reading/listening to The Hot Young Widows Club (not just for widows); it’s short, and meant to be read in the immediate grief aftermath. I found it really validating following my sister’s death.
@JCWiatt
A book that I really found helpful is called The Hot Young Widows Club by Nora McInerny. Kind of a funny title and the book is pretty light-hearted. It helped me figure out how to process some of my grief. You might find it helpful too. I wish you the best.
@lonely_parcel
8. Wave by Sonali Deraniyagala
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From the editor:
In 2004, at a beach resort on the coast of Sri Lanka, Sonali Deraniyagala and her family—parents, husband, sons—were swept away by a tsunami. Only Sonali survived to tell their tale. This is her account of the nearly incomprehensible event and its aftermath.
What people are saying
There’s a book called Wave by Sonali Deraniyagala that you should read when you’re ready. She lost her children, husband, and parents in the 2004 tsunami while they were on vacation in Sri Lanka. She also wanted to die and talks about how hard it was to continue living after so much loss but she persisted. Eventually, her memories of her family brought her great comfort and joy and she has a beautiful life today.
@Mumz123987
Wave: A Memoir of Life after a Tsunami by Sonali Deraniyagala, is the true story of Sonali coming to terms with the loss of her parents, partner, and sons after the Boxing Day tsunami in 2004. It is eautifully written and is one of my all-time fav books.
@PhilosopherShot6799
9. I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can: How Young Widows and Widowers Can Cope and Heal by Linda Feinberg
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From the editor:
A guide for young widows and widowers through the normal grieving proccess that highlights the speical circumstances of an untimely death. Young widows and widowers share thoughts and dilemmas about losing a loved one, what to tell young children experiencing a parent’s death, returning to work and dealing with in-laws.
What people are saying
When I lost my husband to complications of a brain tumor at 34, the book I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can was immensely helpful.
@aver_shaw
My favorite is I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can. It’s particularly good if you’re a younger widow like myself.
@Anonymous
10. The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman
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From the editor:
Incomplete recovery from grief can have a lifelong negative effect on the capacity for happiness. Drawing from their own histories as well as from others’, the authors illustrate how it is possible to recover from grief and regain energy and spontaneity.
Based on a proven program, The Grief Recovery Handbook offers grievers the specific actions needed to move beyond loss. New material in this edition includes guidance for dealing with:
· Loss of faith
· Loss of career and financial issues
· Loss of health
· Growing up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home
The Grief Recovery Handbook is a groundbreaking, classic handbook that everyone should have in their library.
“This book is required for all my classes. The more I use this book, the more I believe that unresolved grief is the major underlying issue in most people’s lives. It is the only work of its kind that I know of that outlines the problem and provides the solution.”—Bernard McGrane, Ph.D., Professor of Sociology, Chapman University
What people are saying
If you haven’t already read it, there’s a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook by Friedman. My husband went through his dad dying recently and he was wrecked by it but didn’t want to go to therapy. The book has been really helping him find some peace.
@TomatilloAbject7419
When I was in that place you are in, someone suggested to me The Grief Recovery Handbook, by Russell Friedman and John W. James. I found it soothing and helpful. Perhaps you’d like to check it out too.
@Xarama
